loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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