Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
