Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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