so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
