You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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