Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
