The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
