Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
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Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
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I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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