he looks like a really good dad on facebook
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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