Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
