She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
