I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
