So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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