Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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