two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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