Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
there is glitter all over my balls
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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