i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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