It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
