if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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