Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
