Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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