i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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