You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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