butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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