He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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