why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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