If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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