im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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