I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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