No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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