Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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