When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
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Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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