so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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