I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
