at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
