He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
