I wish my penis had an off switch
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
