to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
