you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
