Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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