i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
