i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
