we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
