ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I think my fart just growled at me.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
