She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
