I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
