i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
