My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
