first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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