you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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