Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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