Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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