A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
