Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
we're so committed to being not committed
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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