...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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