I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
