dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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