he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
